It seems I've gotten myself into a bit of a pickle, and I couldn't be more ecstatic. You see, some people can, and some people can't. What I mean is, I am not a fan of home-canning food, but I harbor a love of pickles that borders on dangerous obsession. There is a reason this column isn't called Running With a Jar Grabber — canning terrifies me. I can't shake this overwhelming feeling that if I ever decide to give my friends house-pickled green beans and wild asparagus for Christmas, I will have poisoned them all by New Year's Eve. And I do hate to drink alone. The odd thing is, if you leave a jar of home-canned food on my doorstep, I'll eat it without question, even if I can't identify its ingredients or its source. When it comes to making canned goods, however, I'm a deer in headlights.

I think my fear of canning comes from an incident that took place a number of years ago at a local hotel restaurant. (Names have been withheld to protect the innocent — and the embarrassed.) The kitchen had canned fresh heirloom tomatoes during the summer and, when winter came, they began using the tomatoes in sauces and other preparations. Unfortunately, the glass jars weren't properly treated and sealed, and some people became ill. Needless to say, the kitchen is under new management and house-canned ingredients are no longer allowed in the pantry.

Luckily, there is a solution to taming this irrational fear paired with unbridled gherkin lust — refrigerator pickles. I stumbled upon the process by accident. Actually, I had no intention of making pickles. But then the Pecos Farmers Market happened. How could I resist a container of tiny cucumbers so cute that, if no one was looking, I might play dress-up with them or talk to the little buggers in that high-pitched baby voice I tell people I never use around my dogs?

I had a problem with these adorable cucumbers once I got them home: I don't love cucumbers. In my charge, most of these raw fruits would surely dry out and look more like the shrunken head of the Jolly Green Giant than actual edible produce by week's end. I certainly wasn't going to put them in haphazardly sealed jars and turn them into weapons of mass destruction.

After a quick Google search — "lazy pickles," to be precise — and a few minutes browsing my grandmother's church-society and ladies-auxiliary cookbooks, I managed to cobble together a recipe for refrigerator pickles that doesn't require canning. Most recipes I came across were for sweeter pickles and relishes, but I like my spears sour, garlicky, dill-y, and spicy. If you prefer sweet pickles, reduce the salt by half and quintuple the sugar in this recipe. If you're a brave soul who wants to learn how to home-can goodies for a rainy day, I recommend visiting www.freshpreserving.com.


PICKLES FOR THE IMPATIENT, LAZY AND EASILY FRIGHTENED

Makes about 40 small spears or 24 large spears
10 small or 4 large pickling cucumbers, rinsed and gently scrubbed
1 cups apple cider vinegar
1 cup white vinegar
2 cups water
3 tablespoons raw sugar
4 tablespoons kosher salt for cucumbers
5 tablespoons kosher salt for brine
3 cloves garlic, peeled and halved
1 cup fresh dill, unchopped
6 cloves garlic, peeled and halved
2 tablespoons dill seed
1 tablespoon crushed dried red chile peppers
1 teaspoon freshly crushed black pepper
1 tablespoon coriander seed
1 teaspoon whole allspice
2 whole cloves
1 tablespoon mustard seed
1 tablespoon celery seed

Preparation: After rinsing and gently scrubbing cucumbers, cut into spears (slice large pickles into about six spears, small ones into four). Sprinkle cucumbers with four tablespoons of kosher salt, spread out in a nonreactive colander and place over a bowl. Let rest for one hour and pat dry with paper towels. (The salt will remove excess moisture form the cukes, making your pickles snappier). Meanwhile, bring vinegars, water, garlic, sugar and 5 tablespoons of kosher salt to a boil. Whisk until salt and sugar dissolve. Turn off heat. Slightly crush all spices with a mortar and pestle to release more flavor (optional). Dump all spices in the vinegar mixture and let steep for 10 minutes. Place spears snugly in a heat-resistant, non-reactive bowl or glass jar. Pour vinegar mixture over spears to cover. Lay fresh dill on top of spears and push dill down into brine to coat. Let mixture cool to room temperature, cover tightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate 24 hours before eating. Your lazy pickles can be refrigerated for up to one month.

Send tips on the local food scene and other culinary tidbits to Rob DeWalt at rdewalt@sfnewmexican.com. You can also follow Taste on Twitter at www.twitter.com/sfnmTASTE.